Aka Zukin
by CappuccettoRosso
Summary: Being yanked into a freaking scroll was one thing, but having to escape the trap wearing a frilly dress and a ridiculous red riding hood, all the while dodging the perverted advances of a silver-haired wolf; it was asking too much from Iruka.
1. Chapter 1

Aka Zukin

_Non-Beta Version_

_Summary:_ Being yanked into a freaking scroll was one thing, having to act out a foreign fairytale was another, but finding out that in order to escape the trap you had to play the part of a naïve little girl, complete with frilly dress and a ridiculous red riding hood, all the while dodging the perverted advances of a silver-haired wolf; it was asking too much of an overworked Chuunin like Iruka-sensei. Ooh, someone was going to pay for this!

**Disclaimer: **Sorry folks, but Naruto and its characters are someone else's property; I'm just borrowing them for my, and your, amusement. Also, the pick-up lines aren't mine either...I got them off the internet...so, yeah.

**Warning(s): **The usual, I suppose; bad language, because I'm a potty mouth; equally bad pick-up lines; sexual situations, though nothing too graphic, just Kakashi being pervy; and slight cross-dressing, because we all harbor fantasies of putting Iruka in a dress...Other than all that, nothing else to worry about.

**Author's Note:** This is my response to the KakaIru Comm's Spring Festival Challenge, which was to adapt a favorite fairy-tale using our favorite two ninja. I chose to use 'Little Red Riding Hood', for obvious reasons. (*_cackles*_). Oh, in case you were wondering, the title translates to 'Red Hood' in Japanese. Now, I know what you are thinking...Why are you writing this instead of _Shiiin_? The answer is very simple...I've exhausted my muse on that particular story and can't seem to focus on it long enough to write out a proper paragraph, much less an entire chapter. Do not despair, though, because I'm not about to abandon it any time soon. I'm just taking a break from the storyline and directing my attention to other equally entertaining ideas, which you will all enjoy as much once I put them out for your perusal. Hopefully.

* * *

**Part One**

The room was in shadows, the only source of light coming from a solitary candle sitting on top of a low table, next to a slim lacquered box. The flame flickered in the phantom wind, making the darkness seemingly twitch and undulate, as if timorous of the fire. The muted lighting was too weak to illuminate the face of the sole occupant and it threw his features into obscurity. The man-- for the occupant was a man with wild white hair and a large, muscular frame-- sat hunch over the kotetsu, hardly moving, and his breathing barely perceptible above the burning of the wick.

There was a weighted silence filling the small room that seemed almost palpable. It revolved around the man, almost taunting him, screaming into his ear; it was distracting. Finally, with a faintly discernable tremble of his muscles, the man reached gingerly for the box, momentarily running his fingertips over the polished surface, enjoying the silky smoothness that made him think of a woman's supple skin, before flicking the simple lock upward and lifting the lid slowly, revealing a set of delicately-tipped paintbrushes and an inkwell. The man took one of the brushes out, passing his thumb gently over the fine hairs of the bristle, and the inkwell, unscrewing the lid of it, setting the small glass container on the other side of the table, far enough away so not to get in the way.

He pulled out a scroll and unrolled it on top of the table, running a calloused hand of the pure-white paper. He reached for the inkwell and holding in one hand, he used the other to hold the paintbrush. He dipped it briefly inside the container, before pulling it up again and taking it to the scroll.

The paintbrush moved across the blank page with a fluidity that spoke of long time experience. There was no hesitance, nor a tremble in the weathered hand holding the slim writing utensil, only quiet confidence as it swerved over the white expanse of paper, the dark tip leaving thick, undulating lines in its wake. The man worked diligently for an indiscernible amount of time, his face set in concentration, thin lips pressed together and his brow furrowed. When he was done, the man quickly lifted the brush and set it aside, so as not to accidentally drip onto his work. He sat back, his back straight and examined his work for a long moment, expert eyes taking in the angles and curves, the depth of his strokes before allowing a lazy smile to curve slightly chapped lips.

"Finally, it is done," he said slowly, the tone of his voice satisfied. He gave a low chuckle and licked his lips. "For years, you have eluded my grasp, destroyed my carefully laid out plans, and impeded me at every turn. But no longer. This time, I _will _have you. And when I do, I will have the pleasure of having your perfectly proportion, perfectly plump bre…"

"Err, not to interrupt you in one of your…ah, _writing sessions_, or whatever you want to call them, but I thought to let you know that I'm getting kinda hungry and ugh…why is it so dark in here? What the hell are you doing in the dark, huh, you big perv?"

Suddenly, the blinds keeping the rays of the sun from streaming through the window were thrown opened, instantly washing the room in brilliant sunlight. The man sitting at the kotetsu hissed as the golden glow from outside left him briefly blinded.

"What the fuck is your problem, brat?" Jiraiya growled, blinking his stinging eyes. When his vision returned to normal, he shot the blonde-haired teenager standing over him a dirty look. "Have you ever heard of ambiance? And next time, warn a guy before you turn on the light. Sheesh, I was almost fucking blinded."

"Nah, never heard of it. It sounds painful, though," Naruto said, ignoring the older man's complaint about the light. His bright blues eyes peered down curiously at the scroll Jiraiya had been working on, his limited knowledge on sigils making him blink in confusion at the complex patterns drawn on the paper.

"Hey, Pervy-Sage, what the hell on you working on? Is it a jutsu?" he asked, feeling slightly exited at the thought of learning something new. Jiraiya did not answer right away; instead, he quickly rolled the scroll back up, huffing at the blonde brat as he did. "This," he said imperiously, waving the scroll under Naruto's nose, "is my greatest work up to date."

"Soo," the blonde-haired teen drawled. "It _is _one of you pervy books. I thought I recognized the cheesy lines you were muttering just now."

Jiraiya scoffed. "My lines are never cheesy. They are brilliant arrangements of words that are obviously above your meager understanding."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, because every girl is known to say '_oh, your rigid pillar of man-flesh is so big. I don't think it'll fit in my delicate flower'_" Naruto simpered mockingly, fluttering his eyelashes. He dropped the expression quickly and rolled his eyes at his mentor.

"Don't tell me you've been reading one of my books," Jiraiya wondered carefully, eyeing the teen almost accusingly. He remembered writing something similar in _Icha-Icha Violence Vol. 17. _"Remember what I said about them being…"

"Che, like I'll ever read one of those pervy books of yours," Naruto interrupted with a snort. "Besides, Iruka-sensei would skin me alive if he ever found out I read one of them. Or worse, stop buying me ramen." The blonde-haired boy shuddered, a haunted look entering his blue eyes at the prospect of never eating free ramen again with one of his favorite people.

"Then how in the hell did you come up with that, then?" Jiraiya demanded. He unrolled the scroll a bit, just enough to check that the ink had not smeared in his haste to hide it from the boy. Really, interrupting like that…

"Kakashi-sensei," Naruto began, wrinkling his nose as he remembered a particularly tough training session. "He had us hanging from ninja wires above a pool filled with flesh-eating fish. They were the freakiest things I've ever seen, and I've seen freaky, inside of a snake freaky, ya know? They were all sharp, pointy teeth and bulging eyes. Anyways, we had to find a way to untie ourselves. The bastard took all our equipment before we began, making it harder. Yeah, so, he was there watching and reading his book out loud to us." Naruto grimaced and scratched the back of his head.

"I had nightmares for days after that."

Jiraiya placed the scroll down after making sure his work was still intact, before leering up at his student. "Are you sure they were nightmares, kid? I bet they were more like…_wet-dreams" _he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

"Ugh!" Naruto exclaimed, recoiling slightly. "Is that all you think about, you lousy perv?!"

Jiraiya shrugged and leaned back on his hands. "When you get to be my age, kid, you'll understand that men of the world, like yours truly, just can't resist the temptation that is…."

"Yeah, whatever," Naruto muttered, no longer listening to the older man. He turned around to leave the room they had stayed for the night. "I have better things to do than listen to you talk. I'm gonna find me something to _eat_."

Jiraiya waited until the door slammed closed before dropping his ramblings and sighing. "Finally," he muttered and leaned forward again, unrolling the scroll again, spreading it over the low table. "I thought he would never leave." Not that he thought for a second Naruto would say something against what he was doing, seeing as he doubted the kid knew what the hell he wrote on the scroll in the first place. Rather, he wanted to be alone as he placed the final additions to his brilliant plan. Jiraiya gave another chuckle, wiggling his fingers in anticipation, before picking up the brush again and holding it expertly in his hand. He dipped it in the ink and drew the necessary signs that would serve as an anchor and destination point for when the teleportation sigils activated. It would not due to send his intended target to places unknown. Oh, no, they had to arrive at the right spot or else it would all be for naught.

When he finally finished, Jiraiya smirked and blew gently at the wet ink, urging it to dry quickly before rolling it up again and activating the trigger with a series of hand signs. He grabbed a piece of suede and wrapped it around the scroll, being careful not to touch the scroll itself. Snapping some rubber bands around the edge for safe measure, Jiraiya eyed his work and nodded. _Good, she will never guess it was from me until it was too late_, he thought with a grin. _And when she finally does realize, it'll be too late_. The grin turned predatory as the thought conjured all kinds of wicked thoughts.

The Great Toad Sage, one of the Sannins, and all around big pervert, stood up, grabbed his creation of sheer brilliance and wandered out of the room to search for a Mail Office.

* * *

Umino Iruka sometimes wondered if the _sine qua non _for promoting shinobi had been different when Yondaime Hokage had been at the helm of the village, or if the man had been drunk when he had advanced Hatake Kakashi to Jounin status. The latter seemed more plausible, since he was sure that no jounin, past or present, would spend their free time bothering hardworking chuunins with cheesy pick-up lines.

"'_Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?'_… Hmm, I really don't like that one either, but I thought it was funny at the time, in a morbid kind of way. I think it was in Suna and there was this man, drunk to the gills, obviously, and this whore and well, you know how _they _are like, especially in Suna. They're rather vicious and they smell kind of funny too…"

Well, make those _disturbing _pick-up lines.

If he could, Iruka would have walk away from the man, having better things to do other than hear him ramble on and on about his little misadventures in far away lands. As it was, he could not due to a nasty jutsu the jounin had placed on the space around his feet. It did not allow him to move more than a few inches in any direction. When Kakashi had done it, Iruka was not sure, since he had not seen the man form any seals, but he was determined to find out. Even if it put him in a highly unwanted position, the jutsu had its appeal and Iruka could think of better uses for it other than holding unsuspecting chuunin's against their will.

"Are you even listening to me, Iruka-sensei?"

The question brought him out of his musings and Iruka blinked and focused his gaze on Kakashi-sensei. The man was looking at him with a sorrowful look and Iruka could easily imagine the pout beneath the mask. The chuunin snorted, not at all affected by the 'puppy-eyed look.' He worked with children, who implemented the expression on a daily basis, and he, himself, had perfected it when he was younger. Besides, it was more powerful if the person used both eyes.

"No, I wasn't," Iruka said dryly and looked around, hoping against hope that there was someone who could help him out of his predicament. They were standing in a side corridor, an offshoot from the main passageway that led to the Mission Room. There was hardly anyone passing by them, most of the traffic keeping to the larger hall. Still, even if there was someone who was willing to help, Iruka doubted they would once Kakashi turned the charm on them; the jounin had already intimidated several likely rescuers with a lethal combination of his best chilling glare and a flare of his intimidating aura.

_Let it not be said that Kakashi doesn't have what it takes to be an evil bastard,_ Iruka thought sardonically_._

"And here I was trying to impress you, Sensei," Kakashi pouted.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not impressed with inane anecdotes," Iruka said with a roll of his eyes. "I get enough of those from my students."

"Yes, but none of those stories are as…_mature_ as my own, right Sensei?" Kakashi breathe into his ear. It took all his conscious control not to shiver in response when he felt Kakashi's warm breath wash over his ear seductively. Iruka gritted his teeth and shoved the other man away.

"Do you have no sense of personal space?" Iruka snapped and scowled at the silver-haired man.

"None whatsoever," Kakashi said pertly and chuckled when he saw Iruka's faint blush darken with his anger.

"Can I go now?" the chuunin said through clenched teeth. "You may have no perception of work ethic, but I do and I have a lot of work that still needs to be done."

"Maa, Iruka-sensei, has anyone told you, you work too much?"

"Has anyone told you you're an insufferable lout?" Iruka spat, curling his fists until he felt the nails bite into the flesh of his palms. The brown-haired man almost screamed when he noticed Kakashi was actually pretending to think about it. Kami, but was the man annoying!

"No, I don't think anyone has," Kakashi finally said and smoothly moved out of the way of Iruka's fist. Unfortunately, the move threw Iruka off-balance, since he could not move from the spot he was standing in, the momentum behind his fist pitching him forward. Kakashi's quick reflexes, however, saved him from falling on his face. The jounin caught him by the shoulders and steadied him on his feet. A part of him was grateful for the other man's thoughtfulness, but he was too angry to thank the man properly; it was _his_ fault after all and Iruka would bite through his tongue before offering his gratitude to Kakashi. He settled with a dark glare.

"Now, now, Iruka-sensei, it isn't good for your blood pressure to be this angry," Kakashi said soothingly. The jounin seemed aware that he was reaching the point where spurring the man further was inadvisable, because he released the seething chuunin and took a step back, giving Iruka some appreciated space. Iruka cursed Kakashi's survival instinct for that, having imagined giving the older man a good wallop when Kakashi was close enough for him to reach.

The brown haired sensei closed his eyes momentarily, lest he give into temptation and reach for a kunai, and counted to ten, and then to twenty just to make sure he was sufficiently calm, before turning his attention back to the irritating man in front of him. He could easily see how much the jounin was enjoying this--his gray eye was practically glittering with amusement. Oh, but was Kakashi begging for a good o' fashion ass kicking.

"Kakashi-sensei," Iruka began testily, "I'm going to ask you, again, to let me Go. This. Instant."

"But Iruka-sensei," the jounin practically simpered, "I'm still not finished with my list." He held up an unrolled scroll for him to see. Written in the man's tiny, neat kanji was what Iruka assumed were over three dozen pick-up lines. The chuunin groaned aloud and felt the sudden, desperate urge to strike his head against a hard surface, in the hopes of awakening from this nightmare, or at least knocking him out. Not for the first time in the last few days did Iruka regret the words he had said a scant two weeks ago. In hindsight, Iruka had not thought that his seemingly innocent statement would be taken as a challenge by Kakashi-sensei, or that the man would have heard it in the first place.

_But I should have remembered that he's an incorrigible bastard_, Iruka thought irritably, giving Kakashi the evil eye._ It would have saved me from embarrassment if I had just ignored him._ Yet, how could anyone expect Iruka to ignore a person when they suddenly appear out of freaking nowhere, and casually proposition him?

He had been exiting the Academy, completely exhausted after a long and demanding day teaching pre-genins, when the jounin had sauntered out of the crowd, matched pace with him and had casually asked.

_'Do you want to see something swell?'_

Iruka remembers that he had stumbled nearly dropping the stacks of homework he had been carrying in his arms. He had whipped his head around to stare incredulously at the jounin, who had kept his gaze on that smutty book of his, as if he had not just said anything so outrageous. The jounin had looked so calm that for an instant Iruka had doubted he had heard correctly and probably had imagined the words. Yet an uncertainty had promptly the chuunin to make sure and he had cleared his throat, smiling tentatively at the silver-haired man when the older man had looked up at him.

"Umm, did you just say something, Kakashi-sensei?" Iruka had asked tentatively. "I thought I heard you say something but I'm not sure." _Something that sounded suspiciously like a come on_, he compounded silently in his mind. Iruka had hoped that was not the case, but a growing feeling of dread had told him otherwise, especially when the jounin glanced over at him, an indescribable look in his droopy eye. Kakashi had snapped his book closed, smoothly put it away and leaned closed to his face, making Iruka come to a halting stop. Then, practically purring, Kakashi had said, "_If my pillow had a hole in it, I would name it after you_."

There was not denying then. Kakashi had really come on to him, and his words had confirmed that. It had taken a few seconds for his brain to wrap around the fact Kakashi had actually said something so…_crude_ to him and in _public_ to boot. Iruka had reacted the only way he could, given the circumstances: he got angry. It was hard to remember clearly what happened afterwards--Iruka had been that furious--but he vaguely recalls hitting the jounin, thrusting him through several walls until Iruka plunged him into a dumpster filled with rotting left-overs from a local restaurant. All the while Iruka had ripped into the jounin for even thinking that those awfully tasteless pick-up lines would work on him and demanding Kakashi if he thought Iruka was that easy, or inane. The chuunin had stomped away, muttering that Kakashi would do well to come up with something better than that filth if he was _truly_ serious in his intentions.

Unfortunately, for Iruka, Kakashi had heard his mutterings and had taken it as a personal challenge to amass as many pick-up lines as he could, either his own or those he overheard, and present them to Iruka for approval. Iruka had heard all kinds of crap and some-- like the one Kakashi had just said-- made him wonder the type of places the jounin visited that the people there would use such…awful material to entice a prospective mate.

"I hate you, Kakashi-sensei," he said slowly but firmly, rubbing the bridge of his nose, the pads of his fingers pressing against the rough scar tissue.

"Maa, Iruka-sensei, hate is such a strong word," the jounin said, giving him a mournful look. "How about I read you some more of my clever little lines, hmm? I'll bet that would make you feel better." Kakashi smirked; Iruka did not need to see it to know that was the expression hiding behind the mask. He could practically _hear_ it.

The chuunin gave him a blank look and then rolled his eyes. "It's not like I have a choice," he muttered, more to himself than the other man.

"Okey-dokey," Kakashi chirped and snapped the paper smartly, clearing his throat theatrically. "This one I picked up in Wave Country and I think you'll like this one…_Can I see your tan lines?…"_

Iruka answered without thinking. "I don't have any." When he registered what he had said, the chuunin blushed furiously and blushed further when he caught Kakashi's leer. "What?" he snapped, trying unsuccessfully to will the blood away from his face.

Kakashi rubbed his bottom lip with his thumb and said rather huskily, "That was… _deliciously_ informative, Iruka-sensei." Iruka eyed the man; was it him, or was Kakashi standing closer than before?

"Alright, that one goes to the 'Accepted' list," Kakashi said and scribbled something on the margins with a pen Iruka had not seen him pull out. "This next one has a certain charm. Pretty straightforward and polite too…_Can I please be your slave tonight?"_

"No," Iruka answered immediately. He made sure Kakashi did not get the wrong idea, because he knew the jounin would take it seriously, the pervert. Luckily, the older man went on."…_I love every bone in your body - especially mine…."_

"That doesn't make sense." Iruka said and then added, "Idiot."

"Right…how about…_Hey, babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?" _

Iruka gritted his teeth, feeling his nostrils flare. "Kakashi…" he said in warning and shot Kakashi a dirty look when the man had the nerve to chuckle.

"That one is a definite no," Kakashi said lightly, not at all disturb by Iruka's startling growl, and then continued. "Let's see here…ah… _Just call me milk; I'll do your body good."_

"What if I was lactose intolerant?" Iruka asked for the hell of it. There was no point to keep fighting with the silver-haired fiend. It was best to give in to the situation, although not gracefully, but with minimum fuss. He just hoped the Hokage was not too hard on him for seemingly curtailing his duties. Maybe he could appeal for a restraining order, though he doubted that would work.

The jounin tilted his head and peered at him curiously. "Are you?"

"No," the chuunin answered in a bored tone, crossing his arms over his chest. "But hypothetically speaking, I could be."

"Then I wouldn't do your body good. I'll probably give you diarrhea," Kakashi said simply and sniggered when Iruka wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Ugh!"

"If you didn't like that then I'm sure you won't like this one…_My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in." _

"Kakashi!" Iruka exclaimed predictably; however, there was a reluctant grin curling the edges of his lips and he rolled his eyes when Kakashi chuckled.

"Heh, let's see…Ooh! You'll like this one…_You're so hot, your ass in on fire."_

Iruka snorted. "Not even close. Next."

Kakashi gave him a smoldering look, which made the chuunin slightly uncomfortable.

"Are you sure? Can I check?" the silver-haired man questioned, his gray eye a shade darker than normal.

"No, you pervert," Iruka snapped, glaring at the older man. He tried to take a step back, but the jutsu made it impossible. Damn it, Kakashi was too close for his comfort. The chuunin was about to demand Kakashi to step the _fuck_ back when an angry voice from down the hall made him snapped his mouth close.

"Iruka! Where the hell have you been? I've been looking all over for you!"

Iruka glanced over to see Shizune striding quickly toward them, looking partly relieved and not a little ticked off. The chuunin let out a relieved sighed and was about to explain himself when Shizune suddenly grabbed him by the arm and hauled him away. Or at least, she tried to pull him along.

"The Hokage is furious and…gah! What the…" Shizune caught him as he lost his balance again and stared incredulously at him. Iruka blushed furiously but still managed to muster enough anger to glare hotly at the silver-haired jounin.

"Do you mind releasing me, Hatake?" he demanded.

Shizune frowned, glanced between both men, before she stared down at Iruka's feet. When she looked up back again, she scowled at Kakashi. "Oh, that just childish," she snapped and assisted Iruka when he was able to move more than a few inches. The dark-haired kunoichi did not allow him to spare a few parting words to the jounin, though honestly, Iruka was not sure what exactly he would have said.

"Like I was saying," Shizune began again, still pulling him by his arm, "the Hokage has been looking for you and she's not happy that you weren't where you were supposed to be."

"Ah, Shizune-san, you can let go now," he said and sighed silently through his nose when she finally released him. He fought he urge to rub his arm, where the woman had curled her hand like a vice. "And I apologize for…" Shizune cut him off with an impatient wave of her hand.

"Don't worry about it. I pretty much doubt she'll care for hearing your explanations," she smiled grimly. "She's been in such a damn dark mood since this morning and I can't figure out why." They turned a corner and down the hall was the door to the Hokage's Office. They were only a few feet away when the door was yanked open unexpectedly and a ninja came hurling through, landing with a heavy thud. Shizune and Iruka froze as the Hokage appeared in the doorway, waving a crumbled manila folder. She looked dangerous, her hazel eyes glowing like animal eye-shine.

"You tell Ibiki that this is not worth the paper it's printed on and unless he wants me to go down there and relocate his balls to his throat, he'd better start hauling ass and start getting things done!

"Do I make myself clear, shinobi," she practically hissed, throwing the folder at the fallen man at her feet. The jounin mumbled something that could have been an agreement before he disappeared in a cloud of smoke and Tsunade's attention shifted to them. Iruka tried not to flinch when the Hokage's eyes narrowed.

"You," she growled and Iruka opened his mouth to apologize, or beg for mercy, whichever came first, but snapped his mouth shut when he heard her say,

"What did I tell you about resting, you annoying little shit!"

Iruka blinked, momentarily confused, and glanced over his shoulder, only to see Kakashi standing right behind him. The chuunin stared incredulously at the man. What was he doing here? Had the jounin truly followed them? The he narrowed his eyes, feeling annoyance bubbling inside of him again. Had Kakashi not had enough of tormenting him to fill his quota for the day? Because Iruka sure as hell had his fill of cheesy lines and ridiculous anecdotes, he had been looking forward to a break from the jounin. The silver-haired man glanced at him briefly, giving him a wink, before switching his gaze back to their blonde-haired leader.

"Maa, Hokage-sama I was wondering if maybe I could…"

"The next few words better be about your health or something other than me giving you a mission, because Kami help you if…"

"Hokage-sama," Kakashi interrupted smoothly, his entire demeanor calm; he even sounded amused and not at all tensed in having the Hokage glowering darkly at him. "I know better than to go against a direct order." Iruka found it strange that Kakashi could project an innocent veneer with more than half his face covered. Not that Iruka actually believed him to be innocent; the chuunin was quite certain that the older man had been there to tease a mission out of the Hokage. Still, there it was and…what the hell was he saying?

"Besides, I was here to ask if I can borrow Iruka-sensei for a while. You see I have this…_situation. _A very_ delicate _situation and Iruka-sensei here is the only one that could help me," Kakashi said calmly.

Iruka whirled around and gaped at the jounin. "Wait! What situation? What are you talking about?" he demanded.

Kakashi hesitated, eyeing both Tsunade and Shizune before leaning close and not really whispering, "Iruka-sensei, are you sure you want me to say it aloud, in front of the Hokage and Shizune-san?" The jounin's words dripped with innuendo and having him this close, Iruka could see the unholy glee in the older man's gray eye.

__

He was…in front of… on purpose…how dare he!

Tsunade snorted behind him and he heard Shizune make a chocking sound that had him blushing in mortification.

"Sorry, brat, but I can't hand over your little boyfriend just because you have an itch to scratch," she drawled, her previous irritation having been curved significantly by this latest revelation. _Who would have thought that those two_…she mused, eyeing them both. She gave a mental shrug and thought, _'to each their own, I guess.' _Tsunade, however, was greatly amused to see Iruka suddenly so flustered, now that his little secret was out_._

"Whoa! I'm not his boyfriend," he cried, whirling around to face the Hokage and Shizune. "And I'm not scratching any of his itches!" The chuunin's blush grew hotter as he registered the words he had just uttered and the fact that he was shouting, more or less, in public. How humiliating.

"But, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi purred as he wrapped his arms around Iruka's shoulders, putting his face next to his own. "You're so good with your hands."

"Why you little…!"

Tsunade rolled her eyes, amusement giving way to anger again as Iruka tried unsuccessfully to behead his silver-haired lover. Movement in her periphery had Tsunade switching her gaze from the spectacle in front of her to the ninja standing to one side, well away from the battling lovers. She eyed him for a moment and then examined the package he was holding his hands. She frowned, the foreboding feeling she had been fighting all day, and that had made her snap at everyone around her, stirring awake with a vengeance._This was it,_ she thought absently, watching as the Mail Ninja walked over now that he had caught her attention_. This is the thing that I've been waiting for._ She suddenly did not want the thing close to her.

"Shizune, grab it," she almost snapped, her eyes not moving away from the slim object in the man's hands. The shinobi seemed confused at her hesitance to receive the parcel herself, but he dutifully handed it over to Shizune when she reached for it. He bowed to Tsunade and spun on a heel to leave and deliver his next errand.

Shizune made to move closer, maybe give it to her, but Tsunade took a step back.

"No, you stay there and I'll be here," she said firmly, causing the dark-haired woman to give her a strange look. Shizune hesitated but with an impatient prompt from her, she started to untie the leather bands keeping the suede covering in place. The young woman then pealed the soft material away to reveal a scroll. Tsunade gritted her teeth, her nerves going haywire as something inside of her insistent she flee. Having been a shinobi for decades, she had been in situations in which human nature gave way to primordial instinct, and that usually happened when she was trapped, completed surrounded and with no possible way out but through the enemies that were right in front of her. She hated feeling cornered, more so now when there was not logical explanation for it, just an innocuous scroll.

"Would you two cut that shit out!" she shouted at the still warring shinobi. Iruka was on top of Kakashi, straining to wrap his hands around the jounin's neck. The chuunin's face was brilliantly red and fierce looking almost blood thirty in nature. The brown-haired man must have forgone weapons and decided barehanded would do to get rid of the jounin. Unfortunately, for Iruka, the hold Kakashi had on his wrists kept him from actually achieving his goal. Overall, a scary sight and it would explain why Kakashi appeared apprehensive.

The two men froze and glanced at her, as if surprised to see her standing there. They hesitated but then Iruka shot Kakashi one last dark glower before shoving off the man, kneeing the silver-haired man in the stomach as he did. Kakashi grunted but still chuckled up at the chuunin. Tsunade was about to snap at them to stop with the cute act when she heard Shizune squeak in surprise. The blonde haired woman turned her attention back to her and saw Shizune drop the scroll. She watched, feeling oddly detached, as the scroll rolled across the floor, toward Kakashi and Iruka. They both saw it and both moved to pick it up, incidentally touching it at the same time.

What happened next could have hardly been prevented, but Tsunade still felt guilty after the fact. When both men touched the scroll, the thing unraveled, revealing a complicated design. Tendrils of chakra shot out of the scroll and wrapped themselves around both Kakashi and Iruka. She blinked and they were gone in a blast of smoke.

Tsunade and Shizune stared at the empty space before Tsunade growled thunderously.

"Goddammit!

**End of Part One**


	2. Chapter 2

Aka Zukin

_Non-Beta Version_

_Summary:_ Being yanked into a freaking scroll was one thing, having to act out a foreign fairytale was another, but finding out that in order to escape the trap you had to play the part of a naïve little girl, complete with frilly dress and a ridiculous red riding hood, all the while dodging the perverted advances of a silver-haired wolf; it was asking too much of an overworked Chuunin like Iruka-sensei. Ooh, someone was going to pay for this!

**Disclaimer: **Sorry folks, but Naruto and its characters are someone else's property; I'm just borrowing them for my, and your, amusement. Also, the pick-up lines aren't mine either...I got them off the internet...so, yeah.

**Warning(s): **The usual, I suppose; bad language, because I'm a potty mouth; equally bad pick-up lines; sexual situations, though nothing too graphic, just Kakashi being pervy; and slight cross-dressing, because we all harbor fantasies of putting Iruka in a dress...Other than all that, nothing else to worry about.

* * *

**Part Two**

The old pervert had been distracted all week, Naruto could tell. The fact that the lounge lizard had yet to go out and do some of his usual…_research _was a big enough clue for even Naruto to notice. However, since Jiraiya's odd behavior was not stopping him from teaching Naruto awesome new techniques--on the contrary, he was learning more in the last few _days_ than he had in the last several _weeks_ they had been on the road-- then _Naruto_ did not care much to figure out why the old man was staying in more nights. '_Why question a good_ _thing_?' was his mantra lately, although he sometimes had to bite his tongue to stop himself from asking Jiraiya what the hell was wrong with him the few times he caught his mentor drooling, his eyes glazed over, and staring into space. There were some things that Naruto was more than happy to remain oblivious to and one was what _Jiraiya_ was thinking half the time.

The blonde teenager turned away from the sight of Jiraiya muttering to himself, an increasing recognizable perverted light shinning in his eyes, and concentrated on mastering the teleportation jutsu, which turned out to be harder than a regular replacement jutsu, despite having the basic principles. Naruto frowned and tried again to teleport to the other side of the clearing, only to find him slamming, face-first, into a tree.

Jiraiya turned his attention away from his inner musings long enough to make sure that Naruto had not manage to split his head open and was only laying on the ground unconscious. Having fulfilled his duty as the responsible adult, Jiraiya went back to thinking about every carnal thing he was ready to do to Tsunade, once the woman got his little…er, _present _and dropped unceremoniously into his lap. Jiraiya leered at his thoughts, liking very much his choice of words.

The large man coughed into a fist and reluctantly pulled his mind away from _that_ line of thinking, focusing instead on his self-imposed task. It was hard, though since he kept getting distracted, in the most pleasant of ways, by those same thoughts…

_Moving along!_

In any case, in the last hour, he had managed to come up with two good ideas, the first being to give that fierce woman a good spanking. She had it coming, really, teasing him like that for _decades, _sending him mix-signals, constantly flaunting those perfect breasts by wearing those tunics, only to smack him through a wall when he dared to respond_._

After he had turned her pale ass a stinging pink, Jiraiya planned to tie her up in a specialized swing he had commissioned years ago. He had tried it out with several kunoichi in the past, but the real test would be against Tsunade's formidable strength. Theoretically speaking, he was sure it would hold--when he had helped design it, he had made it with the blonde bombshell in mind--but brilliant plans oftentimes had fatal flaws in them. Still, Jiraiya was nothing but sure, of himself and his skills, so he was pretty confidant that the swing would hold when he strapped Tsunade in.

As before, the thought of seeing Tsunade hanging helplessly from the ceiling, open to his every licentious action and naughty fingers, almost, _almost, _had him staring into space, drooling all over himself. Jiraiya resolutely controlled himself and waited until the initial flood of sheer unadulterated lust washed over him and ebbed into a manageable level. He inspecting himself and found only a minimum amount of drool clinging to the corner of his mouth. The white-haired shinobi wiped his mouth quickly and peeked at his charged, relieved to find that the boy was just waking up from his comatose. Good, the kid had not seen him momentary lapse of composure.

Jiraiya settled himself to return to his list making, hopefully without further drifting. He barely managed to think 'nipple' before a familiar toad materialize next to him, shoving all thoughts of lists and nipples from his mind as his entire being sat up and cheered in jubilation.

"Uh, Jiraiya-sama…" the toad began, looking fairly nervous for some reason. Not that Jiraiya noticed the creature's odd behavior, of course, seeing as he was too busy crowing about his apparent success.

"Alright!" Jiraiya shouted with glee. "Your ass is finally mine." He then proceeded to do an impromptu victory dance that involved a considerable amount of ass shaking and hip thrusting. The older male completely forgot that he was not alone and continued as he were, making his audience wish they were anywhere else than standing in that clearing. Naruto stared at the white haired man, wondering if he was watching some sort of odd mating ritual, because he had never seen a dance that contained that much _thrusting_. He pulled his eyes away with a shudder and glanced questioningly at the toad that had hopped to his side.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Naruto hissed, determinedly not looking at Jiraiya. The man was making weird sounds now, little grunts and hisses and the occasional growl.

"He's…happy?" the toad offered questioningly, his bulging eyes unable to look away. Naruto looked pityingly at the poor guy, knowing from past experience how compelling it was to watch something so disturbing that it was nearly impossible to look away.

"Yeah, but _why_?" he asked before stepping in front of the toad, effectively blocking the sickeningly alluring sight. The toad blinked thrice and shot him a look of gratitude.

"Well, Jiraiya-sama was planning to get Tsunade-sama…" the toad began, but the sudden appearance of Jiraiya by their side interrupted whatever else the toad was going to say. Both toad and boy jumped involuntary and flinched under the older ninja's intense look. There was no sign in Jiraiya's face to suggest that he had been, moments ago, dancing like an idiot, only a grim determination that was better suited on a ninja about to undertake a deadly mission. To an extent, he was, but they did not know that. Naruto opened his mouth to demand what plan was the toad talking about and how was Tsunade-_baa-chan _involved, but more importantly, what the hell was wrong with him; however, he was only able to utter a syllable before his vision swam.

Naruto belatedly realized that Jiraiya had teleported them when the colors swirled back into place and they re-appeared in their hotel room. The blonde boy blinked, feeling slightly light-headed before the distinct pop of a teleportation jutsu caught his attention. Naruto glanced around, only to find that he was alone in the bedroom save for the toad.

"Okay, I'm confused," he muttered, frowning down at the red amphibian. "Why did that big perv dump me here?" When his little friend seemingly shrugged, Naruto scratched his head. He really did not like feeling confused, but no matter how much he jogged his memory, Naruto could not think of an instant where Jiraiya mentioned anything about him leaving. That was unexpected, as startling as he recent behavior. The blonde boy cocked his head. _Huh, maybe there was a connection there, but what was it_…? His eyes wandered over the room until they focused on the toad that was surprisingly still there. The summons was sniffing at a discarded box of take out, grimacing at the smell, before grabbing a juice box Naruto had left on the table last night and sucking what remained inside. Naruto huffed lightly and settled down on his futon, rubbing his forehead absently. His head was still smarting, which made it hard for him to think clearly. Maybe the little guy knew something; he did mention about Jiraiya having a plan and all…

"Alright," Naruto said curtly, smirking at the toad when it glanced over at him curiously, "now I want you to explain to me about this plan of his." The toad sighed, the exhaled sounding long-suffering before he hopped closer, snatching the take-out box as he did. Despite having disliked the smell, the toad did not hesitate to start gobbling the two-day old chow mein, explaining between bites.

When he was finished, Naruto tapped his chin, his face scrunched in concentration.

"Let me get this straight," he said slowly after taking a moment to process the information. "Jiraiya sent the Old Lady a scroll that would summon her…someplace, right?" The toad nodded, slurping noisily the noodles.

"And he did that because he wanted to get her alone and…do something, right?" The summons hesitated before he nodded jerkily. It turned back quickly to eating, scrapped the last few bits of food before throwing the empty box, and used chopsticks over his shoulder. Naruto made a thoughtful sound and fell into silence, his mind putting the pieces together. He vaguely recalled Jiraiya working with a scroll the other day, but he was not sure if it was the same one. After all, the old man had been muttering corny lines at the time. For all he knew, it could be the next issue of Icha-Icha. When his mind jumped though several more mental hoops, the look of concentration on Naruto's whiskered face morphed into a grimace as he finally reached a possible answer. There was only one reason why someone like _Jiraiya_ would want someone like _Tsunade_ alone, and it was not a pretty picture. Naruto shuddered, hard.

"Ugh, I think I threw-up a little in my mouth," he said, sounding disgusted at both the thoughts that sprang to mind and the gross taste in his mouth. Naruto searched the room for something to wash the acidic tang away from his tongue and spied a familiar looking wallet instead. The blonde boy raised an eyebrow and then smiled widely.

"Hey, little guy,"

"Nobuyuki," the toad offered.

"Right," said Naruto, standing and wandering over to where Jiraiya had foolishly left his wallet. He snatched it up and opened it, snickering when he saw the large amount of money the old man carried. What a loser, leaving this behind. Oh, well, it was about time he paid him back for all those times the big pervert vanished, forcing Naruto to pay the bill with his hard-earned cash.

"How about we explored this town?" Naruto suggested, bouncing the wallet in one hand and making his way to the door. "I heard they were going to have a week long festival in the next town over and I'm sure that Big Idiot won't mind we enjoy ourselves to the fullest on _his_ money."

Whistling a jaunty tune and walking with a spring in his step, Naruto ventured out to get directions, a happily croaking frog hopping at his side.

* * *

_Several miles away, in some random stretch of forest…_

"Is she here? Is she here?" Jiraiya demanded even before the smoke cleared from the teleportation jutsu. He waved his hand around impatiently and when the wispy tendrils disappeared, he looked up, and further up, at the scowling visage of Gamabunta.

"…by a mortal! How degrading, to be brought down to this level, used as if I were a common summons. No respect for the Great Gamabunta!…"

Jiraiya smirked at the Toad's grumblings and patted the giant toad's webbed foot in mock sympathy. "Now, now, big guy, you know I have the utmost respect for you. Why do you think I asked you to do this tiny favor for me instead of some ordinary old toad, hmm?"

Gamabunta shifted enough to glare down at the human through one narrow eye. "You didn't ask, Jiraiya, you forced me into helping you. I have half a mind to kill you where you stand." To anyone else, Gamabunta's words, and its underlining threat, would have been enough to convince them into the Toad's way of thinking; however, Jiraiya was not anyone else, nor easily intimidated, so he merely shrugged the threat away and smiled smugly up at him.

"If I die, then this will reach unsuspecting hands," Jiraiya said carelessly, pulling out a manila folder from within his _haori_. He waved it around, smiling when he noticed the bulging eye following its movements before stashing it back where he had been keeping it. "And you really don't want your mate to see these pictures, do you?" He already knew the answer to his question, but it was always good to see Gamabunta uncomfortable.

"I hate you, Jiraiya, and I cursed the day I accepted your signature. Curse it, I say!"

The white-haired Sannin rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, damn me, damn the day, whatever."

"Now," Jiraiya continued, eyeing the opalescent wall several inches away. The shimmering milky colored dome barrier stretched nearly a hundred feet into the air and covered an area of seventy square yards. He had settled the initial groundwork of sigils and genjutsus but the amount of raw power needed to activate them was too much for Jiraiya to provide and still have any left for him to use while inside. The white haired Sannin, however, was nothing if not resourceful and finding a reliable source of power had been easy, even when they were unwilling to donate even a fraction of their power at first. He was not above extortion and Gamabunta had realized that the hard way. "How long has she been inside?"

For a moment, he thought Gamabunta was not going to answer his question, but then the Toad spoke, "The wards activated ten minutes ago."

"And you've just now informed me?" Jiraiya demanded. One of the stipulations he had made in their agreement was that Gamabunta would send one of his underlings to inform him that the trap had been activated. The Giant Toad pulled out his pipe and puffed lazily for a couple of seconds, clearly unconcerned that he had gone against orders.

"You should be happy I told you at all," Gamabunta muttered, blowing smoke through his nose.

Jiraiya gritted his teeth but did not say anything else. He now realized he should have made it more specific, instead of leaving it as an implied command. What was done was done, though; there was no use bitching about oblique requests and toads that were so stubborn. Jiraiya consoled himself with the thought that despite the minor--and really, it was only a trivial error-- the plan was going smoothly. He made a mental note to keep a sharper eye on his surroundings when he entered; ten minutes was more than enough time for any ninja to device a plan, or in this case, for Tsunade to get over her initial anger and calculate his imminent demise. Jiraiya mentally batted the feeling of trepidation that fluttered inside his chest as he walked confidently to the barrier; his directed his mind to creating contingency plans for anything she may come up with. He was so preoccupied in his mental preparation that it came as a complete surprised when he suddenly found himself flat on his back, staring stupidly up at the sky.

_Okay, what the fuck happened…_

Above him Gamabunta's guffaws sounded loudly in the quiet afternoon but Jiraiya ignored him as he sat up and stared at the glistening wall incredulously. That should not have happened; the barrier should have allowed him entrance. Only after he had passed the barrier into the other side should the thing have closed down and kept everyone out. He designed it so that only two people, Tsunade and himself, and only two people, could be inside at any time. No third person could come in, nor one of the two inside the dome could come out, not until the chakra that drove it burn itself away. To see that shields were already working, that would imply that…His train of thought came to screeching halt, crashed and burned. He felt his jaw drop but he did not have the presence of mind to prevent the action, too blindsided by the implications to do anything but gape.

_Only two people_

The words echoed inside his head, bouncing off the sides of his skull.

_But that meant…that meant…_

"You!" he shouted as he jumped to his feet. Jiraiya glared angrily at the still chortling Toad. "What did you do, Gamabunta?!"

"Nothing, you annoying little human," Gamabunta said between laughs.

"Nothing?! You call what happened to me just now, nothing!"

"Yes, I admit, it was quite a _shocker_. Although, I must say, that your flight through the air was simply _stunning_," the Giant Toad said with a snort. "Maybe next time you should look before you _charge_ in." Gamabunta made a straggling noise before he gave in to the mirth bubbling inside.

Jiraiya growled in annoyance and resisted the urge to shove a Resengan through the Toad's leg. "You can stop with the puns, you idiot. They aren't that great." A smell suddenly reached his nose and he sniffed the air before crying out when he recognized the smell of singed hair. "Shit!" His exclamation only added to Gamabunta's entertainment. Jiraiya ignored him and his chuckles, patting his hands over his mane to put out the smoldering tips of his hair. His thoughts whirled turbulently, creating a haze of disbelief, denial and outrage. His plan should not have transpired in this manner. Jiraiya should have arrived, entered the little piece of heaven he had created and search out his buxom blonde angel to ravish. Getting shocked by the barrier, his own barrier, was certainly not what he had prearranged to happen.

Gamabunta's booming voice suddenly cut through the turmoil, demanding his attention.

"Well, then, my part of the bargain is done. Now, it's your turn, Jiraiya, so cough it up." It took a moment for the words to register and when it did, Jiraiya came alive.

"What! This isn't…"

"I provided the chakra," Gamabunta interrupted, voice serious and not a little menacing. His patience with the human was wearing thin and he wanted nothing more than leave this world.

"I called you when the thing activated, like you instructed me to do, but that was all I was demanded to do. Now the photos." Gamabunta carefully lowered his hand next to Jiraiya and waited for the man to hand over the incriminating photos of him flirting with another she-toad that was not precisely his mate. Gamabunta still could not figure out how Jiraiya, of all people, had gotten his hands on such compromising evidence, considering that they habited different planes of existence, but he had an inkling that Gamatatsu had something to do with it. That useless waste of good genes had probably thought it was a good idea to take pictures during the centennial party the clan recently had. In the process, though, he must have accidentally caught Gamabunta on film. And of course, since he was such good friends with that Naruto, he had then decided to show them to the brat and inadvertently Jiraiya, who could not help himself, the prick. It was infuriating and Gamabunta made a mental note to take Gamatatsu aside and inform him that he, Gamabunta, should approve all photos taken in the future before anyone else saw them. It would not do for something like this to happen again. He was lucky this time that his mate had not caught on to what was happening; she was usually very perceptive.

"But what about…" Jiraiya began, gesturing toward the barrier. Gamabunta interrupted him again, this time with a glare. "Not my problem," Gamabunta said tightly. "The photos?"

Jiraiya hesitated but then grudgingly gave up the folder. "I didn't make any copies, just so you know," the white-haired Sannin said, sounding put out.

"Good." The Giant Toad then abruptly brought his hand to his mouth and swallowed the folder. He cleared his throat and shot another glare at Jiraiya. "Let's not do this again," Gamabunta said before he disappeared without so much as a puff of smoke. Jiraiya gritted his teeth and walked toward the milky wall of chakra again, stopping only when he felt the energy start to shift, preparing to throw him back again. He tried thinking of a way to get around the barrier, possibly using any hidden weaknesses the wards may have and using them to wedge an opening large enough for him to slip through, but the searched prove fruitless. Jiraiya was just too good; there was no way of getting passed them short of using brute force to bring them down. The large man's shoulders slumped in defeat. There was no use; the only option he truly had was to wait for the chakra to disperse and the wards come down by themselves, which would be sometime tomorrow morning.

_It just was not fair,_ he thought darkly, glaring at the barrier keeping him from his dream. He had worked so hard, stayed up for hours on end, hardly sleeping as he slaved away to make the plan perfect; _he_ should be the one in there, enjoying the sight and smell and taste of that blonde goddess, not some other ninja while Jiraiya remained outside like some dog. Jiraiya's glare sharpened before a though slithered to the forefront of his mind, prompting a sinister smile to curl his lips

Oh, it just would not do for the man inside to relish what was rightfully Jiraiya's to enjoy. After all, if he could not be in there to revel in the fruits of his labor, then neither could the unknown man inside. His shoulders straightening with a new determination, Jiraiya approached the wards again, resolved to make what was once a dream a living nightmare.

_Kukukuku…_

* * *

To say that Umino Iruka was annoyed would be an incorrect assumption…

…and you know what they say about assuming…

No, the right word would be _pissed_.

Of course, '_ticked off_,' '_mad as hell_,' '_fuming_,' and '_foaming at the mouth'_ are expressions that worked just as well; however, Iruka liked the word 'pissed'. It had a certain charmed the others lacked and besides which, the word conjured certain images of him pissing on someone's grave…

At this time, it is prudent to specify exactly _why_ one Umino Iruka was ready to grow fangs and rip out someone's throat. For one it was not the fact that he had been seemingly pulled into a mysterious scroll, much against his will, for whatever reason, that had his temper reaching new heights of ire. He was shinobi and 'expect the unexpected' was an expression they lived by. Sure Iruka would have preferred not to be in this position, but bemoaning about it after the fact was not particularly helpful…and he needed his wits about him now more than ever.

The amount of chakra he felt churning around him, the complexity and the sheer amount of genjutsus enveloping the immediate area told Iruka enough about the situation. First, he was not getting out of here anytime soon. Second, who ever was behind this was extremely serious, not to mention powerful, to have expended so much time and chakra to make the place impossible to break out from the inside. Thirdly, even if he attempted to get out of the trap, he would run out of chakra quickly.

So really, venting his frustration was pointless, as it would only serve to make him exhausted. Similarly, it was stupid to use up his chakra to dismantle wards that were completely out of his league. He was better off conserving his reserves, not to mention his temper, for when he truly needed it.

He reached this conclusion in a matter of seconds, which left his attention free to perceive one other fact that had been overlooked in his haste to secure the area and gather his bearings. A tiny detail that should not have been ignored under normal circumstances, but did and that conjured a slew of questions that were better off discarded for sake of remaining sane.

Iruka could only reasoned that considering these were not 'normal circumstances', it was understandable that he had missed it.

Now, one may wonder then, what was this small piece of information that sparked Iruka's infamous temper to attain a new zenith?

It is quite simple really…Iruka was wearing a dress.

Correction, he was wearing a mockery of clothing. Only sleazy, perverted old men would call what he was wearing a 'dress.' The…_dress_… came down to mid-thigh and had ruffles on both the hemline and bodice. The straps of the dress were ruffled as well and constantly fell off his shoulders. What made it worse, however, was that the entire thing was made of a red _sheer_ material.

It left _nothing_ to the imagination.

It also revealed that he was not wearing any underwear…

…not even a _freaking_ thong…

To add insult to injury, the get up came with accessories.

Covering his legs were thigh high stockings; they were sheer as well and the same bloody red color. They were lacy at the top and made him itch horribly. On his feet, he wore a dangerous pair of three inch heels he was sure will be the death of him, if a heart attack did not take him under first.

He had a short apron tied around his waist that was frilly around the edge. This third article was slightly appreciated, though only because it managed to cover his bits up in front. The same, unfortunately, could not be said about the back…

Around his shoulders, he had a ridiculous red cape. It had a hood and stopped around mid-shoulder, leaving the rest of his back, and his ass, exposed.

Overall, it made one Umino Iruka highly uncomfortable, and an uncomfortable Iruka translated into an apoplectic Iruka.

"Fucking hell! I am going to fucking _murder_ that bastard!"

Iruka was not entirely sure which 'bastard' he was referring to, but he suddenly had an image of a man with whitish hair.

"…rip his balls off and shove them down his throat…"

It would come to a surprise to some that Iruka was capable of such vocabulary. Those same people would believe that such a mild-mannered, soft-spoken man like Iruka-sensei would never swear like a sailor, much less have such a grotesque imagination.

"…use my bare hands to tear open his stomach and pull out his entrails and make him watch as I feed his guts to a wild boar…"

They would obviously be wrong in their assumption. Iruka was a man, a normal man that scratched his balls first thing in the morning, drank straight out of the milk carton because he was sometimes too lazy to grab a glass or he had forgotten to wash the dishes the night before, and swore with the best of them. Besides, it was not like there was anyone near-by to hear him, so it was okay for Iruka to vent a little.

A clap of thunder and a bright flash of lighting made him pause in his little 'venting session' to glance up at the sky. Instead of the bright blue sky he half expected seeing there was a thick cloud covering. The clouds looked dark and formidable, ones that threatened to spill buckets of cold water on any poor fool out without an umbrella. Iruka would be worried about getting soaked, if he thought they were real. He was surrounded by genjutsus and a freak winter storm in early summer would not be hard to conjure. The chunnin tried to ignore the spectacle above; however, it was difficult when fat drops of water began falling from overhead.

This was why genjutsu was such a dangerous and advantageous skill to have, especially in competent hands. It was tricky to figure out what was real and what was simply the other person picking your brain, making you think it was real for their nefarious reasons. Iruka was pretty good with genjutsu, however, he was nowhere near good enough as to be considered a master, like Kurenai-sensei. Still, there was still a sure fire way to make certain he was not standing like an idiot and getting wet.

_When in doubt, stab yourself_, Iruka thought cheekily, remembering the expression he used to say to his often-harried instructors. Unfortunately, all his weapons were missing from his person, along with his clothes, so that left few options. He did not fancy breaking any bones, although he could probably bang his head against one of those sturdy trees. Iruka eyed one of the trees, absently shifting his weight from one leg to the other, only to have his right foot wobble and then finally bend at an uncomfortable angle. Iruka gave a startled yelp as he fell to the ground, unable to keep his footing as his other foot trembled as well within the impracticable heels. He hissed as his ankle throbbed, sharp spikes of pain shooting up his leg. Iruka immediately yanked the dangerous stilettos off both feet, throwing them forcefully away from him and assessed the damaged. While the ankle did not seem to have broken, as he found it easy to rotate his foot, it still hurt and knew it would be uncomfortable to walk.

"Great, like I'm not suffering enough. Oh no, I need a sprained ankle on top of all this bullshit," Iruka grumbled as he rubbed his ankle in hopes to spare himself the inflammation, though it was hardly avoidable, and felt his wet skin break out in goose-bumps. He stopped the motion of his hand and quickly looked up at the sky above to see that the heavens were clear once again. The only difference though was that the sky had the appearance of spilled oil in water, colorful lights dancing as the sun hit it. Water was still falling from above despite there no longer being any storm clouds, proving that while the storm had not been real, the water was. _A water jutsu_, he concluded, his teacher side frowning at the improper usage of a ninjutsu.

"Ooh! Little Red Riding Hood…!"

The singsong voice made him still in shock and the chuunin immediately jumped to his feet, gritting his teeth when his ankle protested having weight placed on it. He ignored the pain for now, not wanting to give his enemy any further demonstration of weakness. It was bad enough he had been caught so unawares; Iruka had not felt anyone coming. The enemy was either incredibly skilled in hiding their chakra signature or…

"They are not real," Iruka mumbled as he stared wide-eyed at the woman standing in front of him. Essentially, it was a female, although Iruka had never in his life had he seen a woman so disproportionate before. She seemed to be shorter than he was, with a svelte figure that was reminiscent of any kunoichi's body he had seen. However, was most noticeable about her and what constantly drew his eyes to, was not her large dark eyes that seemed better suited on a child, nor the way that her pout-y lips pulled back into a deceptively sinister smile; rather, it was her abnormally big breasts. They hung obscenely inside her white linen peasant top, like two watermelons. What made them more distracting was the fact that she did not appeared to have a bra on, seeing as he could see her brown nipples clearly through the thin material.

Iruka could not help staring at them, a deep embarrassed blush tainting his cheeks and he wondered what was more appropriate in a situation such as this; should he laughed like a maniac or cry over the fact that he seemed informally trapped inside a hentai manga? The chuunin was not given much of a chance to decide as the ridiculous big-breasted unknown suddenly pulled out a large ax from behind her. _Where the hell did she hide that?_, he thought before he focused on what she was saying.

"…you've been such a bad, bad little girl," she purred. "Wondering off like that, into the woods where the Big Bad Wolf lives." She suddenly sprung forward, arm raised.

"Bad little girls need to be _punished_!"


End file.
